Well, this end semester exams are not what I expected.
1) I didn't finish both papers
2) What I think will come out did not come out
In a way I was being a "false prophet". I told my friends the Spirit told me that this this will come out in case study. Well, it did not. Last time, when my friends and I study together and I just kept silent because I seriously don't know what will come out, all we studied together last minute came out. Ya, I made a serious mistake. Asked God for forgiveness so it is ok now.
Today went out with my parents and bought some expensive undergarments, a pair of sports shoes and a pair of "slippers". Today I spent easily more than $100 of my parents' money. Was quite happy today.
Still cannot forget another mistake I made. Fear of men again. Stupid me. Freako paranoid. Empty promises. Went for interview for a F&B job. During the so called interview, the manager told my friend and I all his expectations, one of which is commitment. At that point of time I think I already know I will not be able to happily comply with that. I need time alone, force myself to spend time with God because of all other things that happened earlier that shows me my distance from God. I need to seriously hear His voice full time, and know that it is He who is speaking to me. In spite of this, I promised to work. Yet, I kept complaining to everyone after the interview. What's more I am reluctant to work, finding excuses to reject the job when I could have just rejected outright during the interview. I was so afraid that the manager will call me and ask me to work. As expected, I just smsed my friend to tell her that I don't want the job and ask her tell her friend working there already to tell the manager. Freak me. I hate myself. Finding excuses that I am not supposed to work at such a young age in the first place. What shit is this?
Reading smses that my aunty forwarded reminded me of the past where I experienced the love of God through wonderful miracles like having questions come out on things that I had just revised right before the exam. Now that I have lost it, looking on the bright side, does it mean that I am going to the maturity phase where I have to eat solid food and not milk that evidently shows the love of God towards me?
I have many things to find out on my own, and the answers can only be known when I personally hear God's voice talking to me; this I sincerely believe.
come on, talk to me 
