Confused. Really. Last night, I was so motivated by the Lord when He reminded me about my prophesy of being a lioness and a prophet. He also reminded me on the unfulfilled promises for the last 2 years. I am so extremely convicted to work hard for things and go for it. However, He raised me up when I was down yesterday but pushed me down today for being prideful. Ah ee pushed it deep within me that being filled with demons is my decision and my god is hatred. Well, I naturally shot back a no and wanted to share my new found joy. Before I left, my sister spoke to me and we kena scolding. I reactively shot both my eyes to her and felt like shutting her up. Shit. Damn it. Before that, I 'humbly' told God let not my will but His be done, although I wanted to speak. I told Him in my heart, "prove me wrong that I am not filled with hatred". He did and I totally failed the test. The killing intent was within me and it is what a fool does showing his anger immediately. A wise man holds back. WTH. Proved me wrong all right. So what? I should brood my god or work for things? Is my motivation to be killed just like that? The moment I talked to my friends in co, I felt at home, although the topic is so not holy. My home is really my hiding place. Oh how I love to dwell in my house, not the house of God. I feel so restricted there, a problematic kid. Not worth the effort of my aunt to change me.
This is my blog right? I am just sharing my feelings. It doesn't have to be right. I believe I know a lot of things and it destroys me. I don't have the mind to sit down and listen. 'I know myself too well' I sort of force myself to be what I am going to be after some 'trauma' happens. Sort of 'I will close up, I will shut down, I will blah blah...' I know too well, to actually ya right... whatever. I feel so liberated now as I am at home typing this.
Well deserved break?
What am I to do now? Multi-task? Chase after, cast out demons and change my God? Or do it one at a time? How do I go about it? This sounds like a project which I have to submit soon. Advice? Ok this sounds like writing in to the teenage magazine to find solutions to some growing up problems. By the way, I don't like taking responsibilities. This IS a growing up problem right? Hope it is common enough. I don't want to be alone lol.
