Friday, November 30, 2007
*.* speaking subconsciously *.*
I don't know why. I started recently to just speak in tongues when I have the time. When I just sit down and pray in tongues doing nothing else, I feel like sleeping after a while. I get so drowsy and suddenly say words like bye bye. What I remember is that I will think of a scene then reply what I 'see and hear' others talk to me. I wanted to control myself not to say anything out, but it all just came out anyway. Weird.
Is there something wrong with me?
Does it mean anything?
It is not the devil's attack ba...
so scary haha.
I cheered with joy @ | 11:53 PM
*.* love = time *.*
I guess this thing should have sunk into my spirit long long ago, but no, I don't think it did. It just sunk into my spirit. Well just typing an sms can be a sign of love.
Time and thumb strength used to think and type the sms in the way that how you want people to feel it. Yup - Love.
Just taking time to talk to someone - Love.
Spend time buying something for that someone - Love.
Spend time to think of the ways you can make that someone happy - Love.
Thinking of that someone for a few seconds even when your workload is drowning you - Love.
Spend your whole day thinking how to get close to this someone - Love.
Well, what you love might not be a person, it might be your hobbies, sports, bad habits - just anything.
Singing in the toilet or just anywhere on the streets - Love.
Well, if I would just love God like that, His name shall already been known on where passed by before.Watching drama series late into the night - Love.
If only this love is channeled to God, how happy would He be?What is important between 2 people is respect and mutual understanding. Of course, the most important is love. Love does not judge, therefore leading to respect. Love does seek to know what people are feeling and thinking. As much as it is undesirable, feelings are the focal point in most people. Moreover, love is trust. We know the person inside out and believes that he/she is not this kind of person. Knowing how each other feels and trusting him/her completely lead to mutual understanding.
How am I loving God when I find reading the bible tiring? How can I say that I love God when I don't know Him, doubting that He protects me and leads me to the right path? Am I even loving Him when I forget to say grace before meals?
Feelings based on outward appearances will soon fade away. One sided love will not stand. It is of no meaning when one is always giving and another is always demanding and receiving. It takes 2 hands to clap. I cannot walk straight when I am always the one receiving and not giving, because I will never learn to appreciate and experience what true love is. It is not a sense of achievement when you know that you are doing the right thing. It is a sense of comfort and warmth when you see God and others are enjoying and benefiting what you have sacrificed for them. True love is about giving, not receiving, which is what the Christmas spirit is all about. Time is nothing when spent alone, but it is everything when spent with people.
I don't want to lose my calling. I want to love God. I cheered with joy @ | 5:14 PM
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
*.* God loves me *.*
Proverbs 3:5,6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and
He will make your path straight.
Yeah, I am free! (more or less). I have broken my dinner relationship with the rest! When I reached home today, I still feel very tired, what's more if I eat with them? I think God is happy with this right? Now, projects take a bigger portion of my life but I still have to put God 1st. I must chiong my projects on saturdays and hopefully finish them all with good quality. I really want and need my sleep. I know ah ee told me about the story where the man stay up till 2am to do his work and wake up at 5am to sell, but Lord, can I sleep? I really want to sleep. Is it wrong to sleep more than 7 hours a day? :( From what I see, my parents always ask me to sleep early. Nowadays, though it is a lot lesser, I guess it is because they know I need to finish my work, but they want me to sleep early because they want me to be healthy and my eyesight don't worsen. Is that in Your heart too? Please I want to have enough sleep and able to finish my project with good quality too. Help me. May I?
I cheered with joy @ | 10:43 PM
*.* jog *.*
Went jogging with my bro at
9pm today. Had a good jog, finally after so many months. Back hurt though, during the jog. SHIOK sia. However, actually I only ran barely 400m I guess. I was so tired after jogging and many times wanted to give up. I guess when I jog next time, I should think of some Christian songs to get my mind off the jogging distance. Yup, I think I need to do that.
Yup. God has given me so much love, more than what He gives others (since my name is lovy). It is high time I spread this love to others. I need His grace.
3 hearts =)
God, You are proud of me right? I cheered with joy @ | 12:26 AM
Thursday, November 22, 2007
*.* aftermath to wo bu fu post *.*
Well this is one of the things I just thought of that I want to thank God for. After writing that post, I played the
without love song, looked at the lyrics and sang. There is one part where it goes like this:
Love does not envy
Never brags, it's never proud
Slow to wrath,
it keeps no records
of wrongs against friends
Love forgives
We all could use forgivenessI started tearing and finally forgave those I need to forgive. It was good healing.
The next morning, I read my bible and I read that part where there is no righteousness in men. I had more healing after reading that. "God is finally listening to my prayer and tell me directly what I need to know!" I was really comforted. Well, thinking about it now, I still am not satisfied.
Humans are never satisfied. Now I want God to tell me before telling other people about me, but I know I need to be humbled first before I get exalted. I think I still have a long way to go...
I cheered with joy @ | 11:21 PM
*.* my life *.*
I have many things to thank God about but I have forgotten most of them. Yup I am proud to say that my ability in not chionging my work but still get good marks is from the Lord. Asking questions is good.
I am not married! Well, not in mortal terms. When it was my 18th birthday, my aunt heard God ask if I want to be His bride. Well, I said yes of course. Then my aunt took out a ring from her cupboard and gave it to me. In human terms, my aunt gave it to me. In spiritual terms, God gave it to me. So don't asked me this question anymore! I keep on telling everyone else that my aunt gave it to me, because I think it is the easiest for them to understand. Hope God is not angry by that, because I don't know how to tell this to non Christians or even Christians. Find it very ok I am so sorry - embarrassing. Wahhh. Forgive me to denying You.
I have ticketing test tomorrow and management accounting test on saturday and I haven't studied both. Lord Jesus please help me in these tests thanks.
I think my downfall is keep on going to eat until late at night with the others. I seriously must cut this habit. I must make a stand and control myself. When I am at home, I cannot watch too much tv and neglect my work too. Yup. God please help me. Thanks.
I seriously need to live in seclusion now. I cheered with joy @ | 11:01 PM
Sunday, November 18, 2007
*.* wo bu fu *.*
Wa lao. Damn angry lar. I know I want the Holy Spirit to convict me of every little sin that I commit, but I also want the grace to accept it and do my best to change. I don't think I have the grace of God right now. I am so furious, cannot stand my aunt and everyone who gets to enjoy life. Damn stupid lar. I feel like shitting on everybody. I am so not joyful and peaceful right now. I can't even get started on my project. I know at the end, God sure win 1. You win liao lor. I am just so frustrated why God don't want to answer my questions by talking to me like 1 on 1 together lor. I just feel and know that I am wrong and have to wait for my aunt to tell me right smack in my face what I should do. Why can't He tell me and just whack me with the rod Himself? Just want to crush my stupid pride and cut me down to nothingness right? Cannot take it lor. Still I still have to bow down to you and ask that You give me the grace to accept this fixed strong fact and confess my sins. I don't even have the chance to take pity on myself because no one else seems to care. No attention is on me. You want me to be interdependent and yet don't want me to have good friends on earth because You know I will destroy both that person and me. Well, everyone seems to have the same sin as me but the reaction of being rebuked is so darn different. What's more, they have freaking good friends that they can talk to and always stay in their house lar. The more I think, the more I freaking can't take it. At this point of time, leaving me alone will be the best choice.
I cheered with joy @ | 8:51 PM
Saturday, November 17, 2007
*.* best of both worlds *.*
Well, this can be achieved in a certain extent. You can definitely strike a balance between school and God. Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these will be added unto you. Well, there you have it.
But the Bible also says that a servant cannot have 2 masters. You cannot serve both God and money. According to my situation now, I have 3 masters at the very least - God, television and belongingness. What I can be sure is that when I have nothing to do at home, the 1st thing I will do is on the tv. BAD. I have spent too much time with people and one of the main reasons is to have a sense of belongingness. I want to belong to a group, a place where I can gain all the attention I need. Well, it is just too much. I don't want to sleep at 2 everyday for the rest of my life. What I need is to have a normal and healthy lifestyle and strike a balance between school and God. This is my job, what I am only expected to do. I hate my life now.
I totally hate my attitude I cheered with joy @ | 11:44 PM
Friday, November 16, 2007
*.* crap *.*
I so totally hate myself. Don't talk to me.
I cheered with joy @ | 5:00 PM
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
*.* questions *.*
Do I have the qualities to become a green beret?
Am I still fit to be a Christian?
Why do I keep thinking of corrupted stuffs?
Why is my heart so hard?
Why do I not consider myself to see many miracles happening in my life?I have taken part in so many gossips just in these few days. My mouth just can't stop talking shit. I don't know how many countless people I have hurt only within these few days. I desperately need to be reborn.
Nevertheless, I still want to thank God for the many good and bad things that happened in my life. My friend lent me the office 03 cd. I am in e-business elective and there is only 1 class of us. There is no one I hate in there. I have my wednesdays off. I become a festive subject group leader. My computer is starting to return to its former glory. I get to know the song by stacie orrico-without love. I have completed all my filing. I think I spent some time with God today. My father bought a new modem and router. I think I finally felt a father's love and it is sinking down halfway through.
I have seen the light in why my brother is studying in anglican high now. He wanted to go haising catholic because there is a volleyball cca. However, my dad forced him to go anglican high instead. It is already a miracle I guess because both my parents believe in taoism. There are Christians for my brother to make friends with. He learnt the drums and it is his favourite. It is a condusive environment to study. Just this june, he got the chance to go China for an exchange program organised by the school. Well, God willed it to be and it is good.
God I want to go overseas organised by the school with my schoolmates too!!!
I cheered with joy @ | 4:52 PM
Sunday, November 11, 2007
*.* life *.*
I hate it although I know I should give thanks. Well I an overcomer and there is a price to pay for that. If there is nothing difficult for me to overcome, how can I be an overcomer? Love and hate it.
It is like eating food and finding that there are insects in there. I have had this kind of experience countless times. My parallel to this is, asking group members about OUR project and finding out that everything that was discussed earlier was CHANGED and/or there was so many information that they need to fill me up with. Thankful yet angry. Why this stupid shit? Maybe I should ask the Holy Spirit to show it to me, whether I have treated people like that before a not, therefore reaping what I have sowed. Before I realised this, I was still thanking God for giving me favour of men. I know I am not wrong. I am in and yet out. I am very into 1 group and very out in another. I am in to my cca mates group, but yet, I know I have to keep a distance-after all, they are not good company as in not Christians.
My Father in heaven is so big and He loves me so much. Lord, You know what I am suffering with and I ask that You give me the solutions I need that I still don't know. Thank You. I know it is done.
Many things I wanted to say but never have the time to. I guess this is only how much I need to type for now. What is in the past is now gone, now I just need to focus on the present and what must I do to please God. Forgive me for being faithless, for insulting You again and again.
I cheered with joy @ | 11:28 PM
